4. Humbled

Yesterday as I walked into my second chemotherapy treatment, I told myself to be strong! Call me L’oreal for kids because there will be no more tears aha. I walked in and a nurse directed me to my new spot which was located in the far back corner. Again, all the eyes that were heavily focused on the local newspaper or on their knitting, quickly glared up toward me as I sat down in my chemo spot. Emotion (but no tears) ran through me again as I was by far the youngest person there and started feeling sorry for myself. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Did I eat something bad? Was I mean to someone and this is just karma? Why me? I’m too young for this. As I sat in my chair, I quickly checked my text messages and as I was doing that I heard the patter of small footsteps. I (just like the older chemo patients) quickly glanced up to see who it was. Standing there was a young girl who was maybe 2 years old. She was completely bald with a scar on the side of her head. She then approached me, and started playing with the knee rips in my jeans that my dad always makes such clever jokes about *eye roll*. I looked down at her and asked her for a high five, she then smiled and hit my hand. After that, she left dancing and laughing as her parents playfully chased her back to the pediatric side of the room. This brought me to tears and humbled me, I was feeling sorry for myself because I’m young and don’t deserve this. But what really did that 2 year old do to deserve cancer? She may have not fully understood what was going on, but she had a terrible disease and yet she lived with joy in the moment. I realize cancer doesn’t discriminate or only attack at certain ages, no, it comes after babies, or teenagers and it hits professional athletes on the most strict of diets. Although there may be many theories on why or what caused this cancer, even the doctors gave suggestions but they don’t know the cause for sure. I may never know why I have developed cancer cells at such a young age but I do know that God through His word promises that He is in control of every day of my life. He even knows every hair on my head! Although, it won’t be that hard for Him to keep track of my hair in the coming days as I have been told I will lose what I have left! Haha

I’m so humbled to know of all the people who have reached out and told me they are praying or supporting me in all this. I don’t care if you are a total stranger or my best friend every word of encouragement means the world. Let me share a few stories. First, if you know me you knew that I loved my hair and shaving it off was going to be such a daunting task. I was angry about doing it one night, then I heard our doorbell. There stood my Uncle Murray and Brother Jordan. They came over completely bald! They were bald before me and that filled me with confidence that I would be alright. These two text me almost every day to see how I am doing and if they can help in anyway. Another story, as I shared about in my last blog, my 3 other brothers and one of my best friends Brock shaved their heads as well! Then there is another friend named Andrew who has shaved his head also. I’ve been so blessed by his company. He has went hat shopping with me, we have ordered food, watched movies and have had many good talks. I’ve also been blessed by my girlfriend Mandi, I know this has been hard on her but she loves to still come visit me even though I might not be 100 percent. She understands that we have to have more casual dates like Mario Kart or helplessly trying to get me to retain my piano skills that I lost way back in grade 7. In a time like this, you really see how many incredible and selfless people there still are in this world. For example, there are people sending me cards with money to buy new hats, or meeting people in chemo like the lady named Marilyn who said she would be praying for me. There have been people who I have never met reaching out to me. Then there is my neighbor who is willing to answer any questions I have as she is 6 years free from the same cancer, it is so great to have all this encouragement! There’s so many more people I could name but I will end with thanking my parents, let me explain further onto why. When you are on chemo they give you drugs to stop the nausea, those drugs make me VERY hungry. Like all I think about is food. We went for breakfast yesterday and I ordered 2 meals and ate them both. I’ve gained 14 pounds in the last 14 days, and I hope to gain at least 10 more. People may think gaining weight is a bad thing but for me after losing so much weight from the cancer, this is a very good thing. Unfortunately, my dad is going to have to start working double time and my mom is already looking into houses closer to the grocery store aha, just kidding. But honestly, they have been everything to me in this; whether it’s feeding me food constantly, feeding me spiritually with biblical truths, filling my prescriptions or already planning the celebration trip to Mexico for the much anticipated days of being told I am cancer free! (Side note: All the cancer symptoms that I have had for the past 5 months have disappeared. Cough, night sweats, chest pain, shortness of breath. My mom mentioned that I even walk faster haha) I am praying these symptoms never return and my next PET scan comes back clear!

I titled this blog “Humbled” because that’s often where I am left. This week I didn’t have any supernatural times where Jesus showed Himself to me. If I am honest, I’m reading my bible through Leviticus lately and it’s a struggle. How does this apply to me and my disease? But yet as I sit here writing this blog, I am left humbled because I realize how Jesus gives me everything I need, in His perfect timing. The young girl with cancer filled me with a new perspective and joy in a hard time. Then there is how God provided during chemo to sit me next to a Christian lady who encouraged me and prayed for me. He has blessed me with an army of support and has filled me with the peace knowing that through life or death, there is victory through what Jesus did on the cross. To end, I’d like to finish off with a quote by Dwight L. Moody, I changed it a bit with my information.

“Someday you will read in the papers that Carson Fontaine is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it! At that moment I shall be more alive than I am now. I was born of the flesh in 1994, I was born of the spirit in 1999. That which is born of the flesh may die. That which is born of the Spirit shall live forever.”

Much love,

Carson

4 thoughts on “4. Humbled”

  1. Carson,I ‘m not sure what to say..but at the same time,God does put people into our lives for a Reason..Everything we do,or dont do has a Reason.We benefit from it all.God is with you through every step as he is with all of us.You are a total Inspiration to me and to others.Praying for God’s Healing.Hugs.Keep on…Keeping on…Tamara

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  2. This is powerful Carson! The Lord be glorified! He has healed you and this is already showing in the physical!

    We are praying for you.

    Henry

    Note: your spot at Coffee break is waiting for you soon to come and occupy!

    Like

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